The wedding speech specialists

Don't Try This At Home...

Don’t Try This At Home...

Is this the funniest Father of the Bride speech of all time? Probably not the speech you'll be looking to deliver on your daughter's big day but British comic and creator of Mr Bean really let's rip in the hilarious comedy outburst.


Share the love...

Facebook Twitter Google Email

Ladies and gentlemen, and friends of my daughter. There comes a time in every wedding reception when the man who paid for the damn thing is allowed to speak a word or two of his own. And I would like to speak much as my wife just sang in the service that we’ve all just enjoyed (???) with no real notes. Primarily I would like to take this opportunity, pissed as I may be, to say a word or two about Martin.

As far as I'm concerned, my daughter could not have chosen a more delightful, charming, witty, responsible, wealthy, let's not deny it, well-placed, good-looking and fertile young man than Martin as her husband. And I therefore ask the question "Why the hell did she marry Gerald instead?"...

Because Gerald is the sort of man we used to describe at school as an utter spastic! If I may use a gardening simile here, if his entire family may be likened to a compost heap (and I think they can) then Gerald is the biggest weed growing out of it. Gerald is the sort of man people emigrate to avoid.

I remember the first time I met Gerald, I said to my wife (she's the lovely woman propping up that horrendous old drunk of a mother of his) either this man is suffering from serious brain damage or the new vacuum cleaners just arrived.

As for his family, they are quite simply the most intolerable herd of steaming social animals that I have ever had the misfortune of turning my nose up to. I spurn you as I would spurn a rabid dog. I would like to propose a toast...

To the caterers. And to the pigeon who crapped on the groom's family's limousine at the church.

As for the rest of you around this table not directly related to me, you can sod off. I wouldn't trust any of you to sit the right way on a toilet seat.

- Rowan Atkinson -

Over 4,000 wedding speech jokes, quotes and toasts.

Compiled and written by professional comedy writers.

Easy to use, step by step system and free speech writing guide.

Work on your wedding speech at your own pace.